shout!

madami akong gustong sabihin,mas marami akong gustong isigaw. sa sobrang dami para akong sasabog. hindi ko alam bakit nag ka ganito ng buhay ko. mas lalong kung bakit hinayaan kong maging ganito.

ang pinaka pinagsisisihan ko sa lahat ay yung nagmahal ako. kasi nagmahal ako ng mali. nagmahal ako ng isang taong sarili lang nya ang kayang mahalin. masakit dahil pinataggal ko pa ng tatlong taon, bago ko tuluyang matanggap at masabi sa sarili ko na mali ako. ang masakit, hindi ko magawang mapatawad ang sarili ko sa mga nagawa kong mali.

may mga pagkakataon na gusto ko na lang tapusin ang lahat sa paraang alam kong ikasusunog ng kauluwa ko sa impyerno, pero iniisip ko, hindi pa nga ba matalagal ko nang ginawang maligaw sa tamang landas.

para sa taong, dahilan ng lahat ng paghihirap at sakit na nararamdaman ko, alam kong wala kang pakialam, at ang sakit sakit nun. buong buhay ko binigay sa syo. wala akong tinira sa sarili ko at hanggang ngayon, pinagsisihan kong minahal pa kita, at naiinis ako sa sarili ko dahil mahal parin kita. tanga kasi ako e. pero wala akong magagawa kung hindi mo kayang suklian yun. mag hahantay nlang ako na matapos ang buhay. sana mapdali.

nagdadalawang-isip ako, kasi napakamalas ko at inanakan mo pa ko. masaklap pa, tinatakwil mo kaming mag-ina mo. pero gago ako kasi pinag-tatanggol parin kita kahit pinapamukha mo naman na wala kang pakialam. sinasabi mo na mukha akong pera pero ikaw tong, hindi mapakali pag nakakita ka ng 1000 peso bill. para sayo nabibili ang lahat.

mali akong mahal kita. maling mali. ang alam ko lang ngayon, gusto kong tapusin lahat ng paghihirap ko. gusto kong iwan ang mundong ginagalawan mo. ang hindi ko lang magawa iwan ang anak ko. takot ako na magaya sya sakin. naduduwag ako para sa kanya. na kung mawala ako, masaktan mo pati sya. at yun ang isang bagay na hindi ko hahayaang mangyari. hanggang sa kabilang buhay, proprotektahan ko ang bata laban syo.

and so thought i was

for two weeks. you made me feel alright. then you just turned into a monster once again. all because of money. i don't care about your money. to tell you that. i earn my own. you are just so arrogant as usual to realize that.

Charice - Pyramid (feat. Iyaz) Lyrics

Charice - Pyramid (feat. Iyaz) Lyrics

Green Day - 21 Guns Lyrics

Green Day - 21 Guns Lyrics

in between

The biggest regret I may have as of this very moment is letting myself fall in love with you. As much as it pains me right now. I still have this involuntary response and need to be right next to you. It this how relationships go? But then again, I ask myself, am I just making this relationship workout between the two of us for our son? They say that children are supposed to strengthen marriage. But then again we never married. For one, who weren't ready to become a husband. Neither were you ready for fatherhood. I just loved this once. And I promised myself if this would come to an end anytime soon, I wouldn't engage in any relationship at all. Painful as it already is. I have given so much and expected just your respect. We are not young, as we were. You seem to haven't outgrown yourself. I have waited three years for you to realize the direction you wanted in your life. And we have been running in circles for the past year. Ever since we had a baby, you acted that way. Ever since my old body, and appearance was taken away from me due to pregnancy you acted like a teenage boy. May I remind you that you are not 17. I have kept telling you to please grow up. Its not like everyday I can cope up by your lifestyle which includes chasing girls everyday. Can't blame you for not feeling well loved. But your son deserves better and I'm not about to sit around and watch you ruin every dream that I have for him, just like that. The truth is I hate you but as much as I do I still care about you. I just don't know why I'm feeling this way. I just don't know why I can't force myself to leave you completely. At this point, I just want to be treated better. I just want to be respected. I just want to wake up and finally realize if I can still hold on, or just let go. Permanently.

G is for GAGA

O geezzzz... You really should change your name. In my opinion, your name contradicts the person you really are. I mean, you have this talent to make pretend that your a good girl, but then again, your like a devil in disguise. I know for a fact that I'm not good. But I don't pretend like you do. Making people believe that you are an angel sent from high above, worshiping God and all those stuff. Yet again, you have this potential to be such a b***h. You are just a hypocrite. Yes. You are! The one and only saving grace of b*****s. It doesn't matter if you have thousands of failed relationships. That doesn't give you enough reason to ruin mine. Get it? I really hate your predicament that you and your so called undeniable boyfriend are no more than history. And don't even get me started by telling me you know where your place is with m****. Hello? If you really knew where your place was, you wouldn't have to block my account. Got something to hide don't you? You're just plastic. You were right; you are simple. Plain and simple plastic. Considering that you also possess bad grammar and the attributes of a *** s***ave. Then I think it was so nice of you to pay for the m****r***m. Yeah! I know that stuff. Hah!

ignore

there are certain things that i tend to ignore nowadays. one is your natural talent for making me feel deprived and hurt, two; the fact that you have this capacity to ignore me as well, and three; the way you have changed over the years.

call me pretentious but it has been easier this way. not much tension going around. and the fact that you seem to have this unexplainable way of handling my outburst made me accept that you'll never have maturity.

our relationship is at its lowest point so far. i for one have this tendency to burst out, but then again you seem not to care. so why bother.

though it seems that it was my fault. but then love is unconditional. and you put the un in conditional. your being uncontrollable is getting worse as the days go by. and i really don't know what up with you. why you're like that and why i am like this. then again, i just do what you do best and that is to ignore these things.

right again

after weeks of trying to obtain retribution for myself. i still feel the ashamed of what i am going through. after years of giving my whole life and after surviving the game played by the devil twice in a year. after my post partum depression. here i am, still stuck up. still trying to make a logical explanation of this situation. still experiencing this involuntary response on checking out your facebook account. maybe because i got nothing else to do. and just an observation. unlike the others, you were smart enough to realize to block your wall for me not to see. but you didn't realize that i am smarter. i have ways to find out the truth. here i am plotting like an evil genius is inside of me. wondering what the so-called boss would say or even react when he sees what i just saw. knowing exactly how he thinks. i just can't wait to see his reaction. and to tell "i told you so! right again am i?"

i just don't know

as much as it hurts. i really have to take it all in. yes. still unrecovered from everything. the fact that i still care about you, and deniably i still want you to be part of my life. in the recent days that i have been in self reinvention, i can't help but learn that even though i was hurt by what you did, i still care. you have been a part of me. and no matter how outraged i am by your compelling behavior, still, i want this to work out. i just don't know if you realize that.

i still have this automatic surge of coldness spreading in my vains, every time i see your picture with that, i really don't want to know what to call that thing. although i know that i was pushing you away, you didn't realize that all i wanted was for you to make me feel you can't lose me. i was afraid that if i say the truth, that if i go soft again. you'll just use me to your own accord.

and then i thought, are you just using me? i really can't accept that fact, because i gave you all i can. and i'm ashamed to accept the fact that i was this stupid to let you use me. but then again, some three years ago, we were happy. because you made me feel important. you were proud of me. and that changed. you changed. everything about me changed in the process. i ended to be this miserable war freak. and since then, you were pre-occupied with making yourself feel good by making me miserable. telling me that all you wanted was for me to be like how it was before. but then, you don't put up with what you bargained.

we end up hurting each other more and more, and now i ask myself. would this still work or should i just let you go?

i still have feelings for you. but i don't know how you feel right now. i really don't know the truth about you. i just don't know. you change your mind so often that i'm assuming that this would end up one way of the other. and that's just painful. i loved you. and i just can't tell that to you right now. because i don't know you anymore.

change is good

i always wonder why is it that people often forget to follow the 2nd commandment; and that it never to put the name of the lord GOD in vain. assuming that these people are church people or in tagalog "TAONG SIMBAHAN". funny how these people talk the talk but don't walk the walk.

no offense meant. but then to that person who has the talent to pretend each and every moment that i was dragging him/her to completely feel how he/she got into this mess, and that he/she deserved to be part of my anger was very much sarcastic and idiopathic to deny the fact that in his/her innerself was involved in this.

but the good thing is change may not be overnight, but its starting to happen. yesterday i was like a volcano to errupt. i even lost it all when i started to destroy things, and yes, my natural self of involving in a word war, to which i make it a point become public so that the insect in my life be made aware that i am no longer following the rules i used to follow. i'm playing by my own rules. and that rule will only be the truth. i'm tired of fighting for the right my son deserves.

btw, dear insect, sorry for your things i destroyed. it was wrath. and now i apologize, like you, every single day of the 3 years we spent you kept on telling you're sorry. now i'm done. please don't call me again.

immunity

no immunity for me from getting hurt, and last night i promised myself that i'm taking my privilege to be outraged and devastated. i'm letting all my anger out. and since you do have this talent of ignorance, i assume that this won't affect you at all. and my presumption that you don't even know that this page exists is a breather for me. because at last now, i would have time for myself. that the only reason i'm angry is because i fell in love with someone who kept on hurting me. that i'm not angry at you. but i'm angry at myself.

anyways, this anger would be gone in a few months, and so am i. i'm planning to leave soon. just want to get approval from the clan to quit my current job, move back to where i am most at peace. there i'll be immune from all the hurt and pain i'm feeling right now.

yes, it is still painful. and i am embracing that pain as of the moment. hoping that in some point that pain would make me feel stronger. a better person. months from now, i'll be standing with my head held up high. complete. happy because i've learned a lesson and by that time it would be a new me.

goodbye love, hello friend

the truth is IT HURTS. but i know for a fact that i have to put an end to it right now. and clinging to this wrecked relationship will hurt twice as more. it fits. it's the right timing. and i know there is a life far more better ahead. i have to stop thinking of you. i have started by not caring for months now. and in effect it doesn't hurt as much as it used to.

i have been in this situation exactly a year ago. but then it was different. now, i can say i'm stronger. i have changed to be the person i am right now. it has never been the same since your first strike.

for 2 weeks now, i have sworn that i won't even get close to you. sure, i can't really eliminate you out of my life, but then i can't treat you more than that of a friend. and that's just about it.

i have you to thank for making me stronger. for making me realize that as a person, as a woman i can be complete. thank you for sharing your life. thank you for teaching me an invaluable lesson: that is, you can't love if you don't love yourself. thank you for making me realize that this life is still worth living, how hard i may fall. thank you for making me realize that my family loves me for who i am, even though i'm stubborn, stupid and even though i made the biggest mistake of my life, they have come to back me up, still. i thank you for letting me see the other side of life. the life i wasn't acquainted with when i was young. thank you the letting me experience the joys and even the pain. thank you for everything you taught me.

and with that said,

goodbye love. hello, friend.

What's happening to me?

Malas, yun ako for this whole week. Isang walking bad luck. Come to think of it, hindi ko alam kung bakit malas ako. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ako stressed on so many things right now, and given the fact that I am stressed para bang dumadagdag pa lahat ng kapalpakan ko. Umiikot na ang paningin ko for three days. Epekto ba to ng heatwave? Alam ko mainit ang panahon at stressed ako dahil yun ang sabi ng doctor ko na cause ng eczema ko. Pero please naman, give me break... Lord help me.

the world is spinning

as it seems that i am pretending that i'm okay. so maybe i'm not. does it even matter? so here am i back from my one day sick leave and i'm practically not in good shape for work. the fact that i'm still recuperating from that incident that i really want to forget. and the other fact that i am once again broke. it sucks. and there's nothing i can do about it. for one, he keeps on calling, or that he keeps showing up at my office, and i pretend to entertain and even laugh with him, even though i really want to hit his face and how i wish that he falls off the escalator one of these days. but then, i promised myself i won't be a war freak about it, because i'm tired to do so.
so here i am, living in a world that is spinning. is it just heatstroke, stress, thinking too much of things, or its me forcing myself that i have this so called mental illness? or how i wish that i just did. it might be easier that way. not to think to much. how i wish i'd find that place where i'll be myself, happy and for one thing, free from hurt.