i just don't know

as much as it hurts. i really have to take it all in. yes. still unrecovered from everything. the fact that i still care about you, and deniably i still want you to be part of my life. in the recent days that i have been in self reinvention, i can't help but learn that even though i was hurt by what you did, i still care. you have been a part of me. and no matter how outraged i am by your compelling behavior, still, i want this to work out. i just don't know if you realize that.

i still have this automatic surge of coldness spreading in my vains, every time i see your picture with that, i really don't want to know what to call that thing. although i know that i was pushing you away, you didn't realize that all i wanted was for you to make me feel you can't lose me. i was afraid that if i say the truth, that if i go soft again. you'll just use me to your own accord.

and then i thought, are you just using me? i really can't accept that fact, because i gave you all i can. and i'm ashamed to accept the fact that i was this stupid to let you use me. but then again, some three years ago, we were happy. because you made me feel important. you were proud of me. and that changed. you changed. everything about me changed in the process. i ended to be this miserable war freak. and since then, you were pre-occupied with making yourself feel good by making me miserable. telling me that all you wanted was for me to be like how it was before. but then, you don't put up with what you bargained.

we end up hurting each other more and more, and now i ask myself. would this still work or should i just let you go?

i still have feelings for you. but i don't know how you feel right now. i really don't know the truth about you. i just don't know. you change your mind so often that i'm assuming that this would end up one way of the other. and that's just painful. i loved you. and i just can't tell that to you right now. because i don't know you anymore.